Monday, November 14, 2016

Thanksgiving Survival Guide #1: Pilgrims Didn't Ponder Politics

Thanksgiving is just two weeks away; exactly twelve days until we all stuff our faces in the name of gratitude only to regret it after. Chances are, you'll be reunited with family you only ever see once a year, eat enough pie to last you until Christmas, be forced into uncomfortable conversation, take awkward family photos, and you know it, have to deal with your family. We've all been there. Up to Thanksgiving, I've got you covered on all the topics and how to deal with them. This issue? Politics.
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It’s better to not talk politics with your family that ranges from your super-conservative grandpa, who always mentions “When I was your age…” and “What’s wrong with this generation?”, and then to your super cool, ultra liberal aunt who always speaks her mind. We’re at the age where we have our own opinions and we’re formulating our political beliefs - we’re the future of this country, guys! With these new (for some) ideas brewing in our fresh minds, I can guarantee each one of us will be sucked into the political talk. When there is awkward silence at the table, someone is bound to bring up this presidential election we just had. You’ll be asked on your opinion on immigration/gun control/LGBTQ rights, and before you speak, your mom will give you the warning look - we all know the one. If you don’t speak your mind, you risk becoming the strange, mute cousin but if you do speak your mind, you may offend grandpa (heaven forbid.), or get into a heated discussion with your uncle who doesn’t even have a brain to function why it’s a necessity for all, yes all, American people to be granted liberty.
Don’t worry. We can handle this together. Whether you support Trump’s policies or sympathize with the Trump protestors, you can survive Thanksgiving dinner with a sigh of relief that things didn’t turn so sour. Here’s how to take action.

  1. Show off your new skills you’ve learned in the past year. Learned jiu jitsu? You can basically end cousin Tommy’s uncomfortable derogatory terms at least until dessert. Hit a new high note in honors choir? Sing “no” as high as you can, and “accidentally” crack Aunt Lynn’s wine glass. That’ll end that. 
  2. Excuse yourself. With a plate full of extra stuffing. If they can’t see you, they can’t ask you on your stance on abortion. Or because you’ve become injured; you know, burnt your mouth with some gravy, cut yourself with a wishbone - Thanksgiving is a catastrophe in and of itself, and you simply don’t have time to discuss Trump’s potential cabinet when you’re in pain.

  3. Confuse them. Don’t give them what they’re expecting - agree with their stupid beliefs. Yes, Sarah, I do believe that the government should kidnap everyone who isn’t vegan. Maybe we should place them in solitary confinement too. Let’s talk more about this later. Eat your yams, sweetie. 

  4. Offer to babysit, aka sit at the kids table. You’d rather bet on Crayola over RoseArt anyday than state and explain your stance on Syrian refugees.
  5. Leave the room. Collect yourself. Return to room with Pecan Pie. How can anyone argue with pie? Everything is good and dandy, until Joey forgot he was allergic to nuts and starts wheezing. Here comes yet another problem...
     

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